Senator Tim Calhoun has been a little known, but dynamic behind-the-scenes option for the democratic nominee for President.
Many democratic voters have vowed they will not vote for the opponent of their preferred candidate. Obama’s loyal followers declare with religious fervor that they won’t vote for Hillary as she can only get the nomination if she steals it. We’ve heard accusations of stealing an election before, haven’t we! Hillary’s faithful have such hard feelings that they say pretty much the same thing. They say that Obama is standing in the way of her taking her rightful place as the democratic nominee for president. After all, its her turn and its HERS!
Meanwhile, the heretofore little known superdelegates of the democratic party have had many a night of xanax induced restless sleep, tossing and turning over what on earth they are going to do. First of all, the little people have found out that they had a system in place enabling them to override the votes of everyone in their party. They really didn’t want that to be made so public. Now its all over the place and everyone knows it. They’ve had to spend a lot of time spinning that, hoping there won’t be bloodshed at the Democratic National Convention.
Then to make matters worse, their grand master, Howard Dean, keeps giving out instructions that no one is following! Its just awful. It makes him look powerless and silly. They are hoping, hope against hope, that people aren’t noticing that. Fortunately, its Howard Dean and people generally don’t notice him.
Now, the news gets even worse. It turns out that the Hildabeast is gaining on Obamessiah in the polls. This really ruins all of those well thought out plans. The little people just aren’t cooperating with the powerful ones of the democratic party! More xanax, more sleepless nights.
This is where Senator Tim Calhoun comes in. He is the alternative candidate. He can make them all look good. He is the choice for all of those who will not vote for Hillary as well as those who will not vote for Obama. That should give him 99.99999% of the democratic vote! Best of all, he is waaaay ahead of the other candidates in almost every way.
See for yourself, courtesy of Saturday Night Live.
“I am qualified to represent America. Because, like America, I am heavily in debt, I’m about ten percent gay, and I have a really bad gas problem.” ~ Tim Calhoun