With the last best hope of getting rid of Obamacare, floating safely down the river on a lifeboat with Ted Cruz and the Tea Party, we turn our attention to this magnanimous federal entitlement program and all it has in store for the American people.

Don’t let all those wacko tea party folks fool you, this is going to be the best thing since sliced bread. Sure, the initial rollout has been an unmitigated disaster, but that is all because of the tea party mucking up things with a government shutdown, or so Obama claims. That, and the fact that you idiots and morons all tried to access the website at once. You should have realized this was going to take some time, the technological infrastructure is more than 10 years old, and can only handle about 150 people at a time. The Administration estimates this is about 50,000 per day, give or take…

So that’s plenty of time to sign up the millions upon millions of Americans who don’t have insurance, and the other millions upon millions who have received notices that their insurance has been cancelled. We still have another 71 days before the fines and penalties for not having insurance kicks in, so no need to panic.

Once this thing has finished lumbering out, you will come to LOVE it, whether you like it or not. Mainly because, you have no other alternative, and Obama has reassured us that we will love it. Here are some really great things we are sure to fall in love with:

Handling of Insurance Claims

Once the government collects all your personal data into the massive federal database, including things like, who you have sex with and how often, if you are a registered voter, and how much income you make, the governmental professionals will be able to quickly and efficiently take care of your claims with no worries. There is virtually no chance of information being lost or used for nefarious purposes, because the government cares about you so much. They will surely make the best effort to pay your doctors in a timely manner, as we’ve always known government agencies to do. And if you do have a problem, there is certain to be a friendly government employee willing to sort it out for you, so no need to worry your pretty little heads about anything.

Your Children Will Have State-of-the-art Care

It’s all about the children! And rightly so, since our children and grandchildren will be the ones paying for this lovely entitlement for the rest of their lives. The latest in medical technology will be made available to everyone, regardless of circumstance. Now by removing capitalism and free market competition, we will eliminate the new development of greater and better medical technologies, but hey, what worked for our grandparents should be good enough for the next generation. This is sure to promote robust trade with many third world countries, who need cash for their antiquated medical equipment from the 1950s, and we can put it to great use here, treating the millions of extra people who will now demand health care.

An Enhanced Waiting Room Experience

Americans hate to wait, but with the influx of millions of extra patients on an already declining health care staff, it will become more and more of an ordeal to see a doctor for your health care. This will create a need for enhanced hospitality in the waiting room experience. Imagine, having nurses bring you brunch or dinner, as you read the paper or your favorite novel, waiting to be seen by your doctor? This will certainly give Americans plenty of time to reflect on life, and read the latest stories about Obama entertaining hip hop artists and celebrities at the White House, or maybe keeping up with his latest outing on the golf course.

Monumental Stride in Women’s Health Care

With the absolute certainty of hospital overcrowding, imagine how wonderful it will be for women going to get their latest abortions, being able to converse with other women in a ward environment as opposed to a costly private room? They will be able to make friends, trade recipes, gossip, and lament on how great Michelle Obama is looking. This will save thousands on a typical hospital stay, and at the same time, promote a sense of community.

End of Life Made Easy (Social Security Problem Solved!)

The awkward problem of having to decide what to do with grandma and grandpa when they get too old, is going to be a thing of the past. No longer will the younger generations be burdened with having to make tough financial decisions, the government will handle that for us, leaving us free of guilt and able to carry on with our daily lives. Imagine being able to enjoy your kid’s soccer games and your favorite reality show, without the thoughts of what to do with the old geezer eating up your savings account? And the added bonus is, we don’t have to worry about the viability of Social Security anymore, since the dead can’t collect it.

Yes, the Future is Here! Obamacare is going to be the greatest thing that ever happened to us, and we will be so grateful for having it. We will no longer be the envy of other countries with our arrogant top rate research and technology, and that will make them like us more. Private health care companies will begin to fade away, as government alternatives take their place, and the results will certainly please us all. We can rest assured the capitalist and corporatists are going to be put out of business, and our entire health care system will benefit from socialized medicine.

This will ultimately translate to millions of people who have considered fields of medicine, but simply didn’t want to put in the effort, money, and education to become doctors, and work in a system where their skills are rewarded monetarily, but rather, because they just like helping others. Imagine just how much more caring and compassionate these new underpaid doctors will be? It’s going to be GREAT!